I’ve been gaslit my whole life, but nothing distorted my reality more than being in a therapeutic relationship with a highly emotionally manipulative mental health care provider who eventually formed a dual relationship with me. I recall crying to her during a telehealth session that I didn’t know what reality I was in and begged for her help. She laughed it off as a great philosophical question.

I begged her to help me understand: was I the abuser that she — and many others — kept implying or directly telling me I was? Or were they abusing me? I’m not sure how mental health care providers think they can help clients recognize abuse when they don’t even realize they are abusing us as well.

From the start, she crossed professional boundaries — small gifts, personal disclosures, treating me more like a friend than a client. Many promises of understanding and inclusion for my multiple marginalizations, since I was newly diagnosed autistic and had only realized I was non-binary about a year before starting to see her. It felt like warmth and care at the time, and I grew to trust her deeply because of it. Looking back, that’s exactly how the confusion took root. I knew, somewhere underneath it all, that she was too toxically insecure to truly help me. But due to circumstances beyond my control at the time, I had no choice but to stay with her. Then I felt trapped and confused — just like in every family, romantic, or friendship dynamic I had ever been in.

What ultimately gave me the reality check I had been searching for was all the documentation I had kept. Because I knew something was wrong early on, I kept records — emails, texts, and some recorded phone calls. I went back through them for a couple of years, over and over. Not because I wanted to destroy someone’s career, but because I genuinely wasn’t sure if what happened was as bad as I felt in my bones it was.

When I finally reported her to her employer first, I was believed right away. Her employer fired her immediately and encouraged me to take it further. She let me know that due to what I had told her, they were required by law to also report this therapist to the State Counseling Board, and that I was welcome to file my own report with them as well. The state board ultimately found her in violation of multiple ethics codes, though it took over a year to process. Her punishment wasn’t what I had hoped for — only 9 months of supervised practice — but it was the confirmation I needed: my reality WAS the correct one.

I wish a mental health care provider had given me the tools I needed to recognize when I was in the middle of a toxic relationship. In my experience, they only seem able to help clients once the abuse is in the past — never while it’s happening in the present.
So I decided to create this checklist for myself, in case I ever find myself in any professional or interpersonal relationship that makes me begin questioning my reality again. I hope it helps anyone else who needs it.

I am NOT a trained professional, and this should not be used as a substitute for professional care. Please always consult with a qualified professional.