I spent two years begging an abusive, untrained therapist to help with my binge eating. She dismissed it, told me I was “doing what was best for me to cope,” and even encouraged my binge episodes during some sessions. Even after I left her horrible “care”, no other professional my insurance gave me access to seemed to know how to help. So I was left to figure it out on my own.

I did, using the method that has always worked for me: documentation!

I built this journal and spending log to see the real damage. At first, I didn’t care about my body or health. I was severely depressed and honestly didn’t want to keep living the life I felt I had failed so miserably at. (This was directly after my formal autism diagnosis when I was starting to fully unmask.) But when I saw how much money was disappearing—money that I could have been putting towards my cats’ care the way they deserve or other necessities—that finally got through to me.

I was broke, depressed, and watching my limited monthly income vanish on food that was killing me. Living in poverty as a disabled person is financially limiting enough on its own. I was making it worse by not being mindful of how much I spent each month on unhealthy things for myself (in excess), while also complaining I didn’t have money to buy healthier options or even nicer clothing for myself.

Once I saw just how much I was spending on things that only made my life and health worse, I stopped justifying spending so much money each week on crap food. I was able to buy more healthy foods and buy more things to help my furry besties as well.

Having it all written down made me finally hold myself accountable to how toxic I was being to myself. I wasn’t as self-aware as I thought I was of the impact until I had it documented right in front of me.

DISCLAIMER: I am NOT a trained professional. This is not a substitute for professional care. If you struggle with disordered eating, please contact a qualified provider.